When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
