I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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