I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
