if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
