I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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