When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
