I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
