on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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