tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
