ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
