i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
