highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
