My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
