As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
