Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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