Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
