I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
