sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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