Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
