I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
