True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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