Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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