Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
don't judge my taste in strippers
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
