I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ugly people sure do ruin things
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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