Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
