I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
