i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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