He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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