shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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