why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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