I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
