i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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