Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
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I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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