Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
