I wish I could punch you in the face.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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