She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
