have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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