At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
