I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
