Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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