you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
