He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize