Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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