and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
