Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
