Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
