My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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