I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
