My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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