Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
