Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
