when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
