I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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