By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
