apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
