i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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