my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
